Never Mind OR Coping With Disappointment

Best laid plans of mice and men…
You set yourself a goal. It is discussed with all the relevant people. Timelines are agreed upon and you work hard, stretch and then stretch some more to reach the target.
As the finish line comes into focus, suddenly events, totally out of your control, throw everything into disarray. The path to your goal blurs. Maybe it is the promotion that did not come through at the last minute, sudden change in the per sq ft rate of the house you were looking to buy, cancellation of the holiday because of the strikes in Thailand…. it hits all of us sometime or the other.
Coping with disappointment ranks amongst the top 5 ‘life skills’ that all of us need to be equipped with. It determines not only our immediate welfare but shapes our attitudes and belief in life. I came face to face with this very recently and wanted to share the experience.
Meticulous Planning
Since the October of 2009, I had set my heart on going for a trek in the Himalayas. Along with figuring out routes, guides and costs, I had got into a get-fit regime that increasingly became the largest agenda in my life. From being a ‘foodie’ I went to watching the calories and refusing ‘useless carbs’ and ‘mixed proteins’.  I carried my yoga mat across the country to various hotels and off-site locations where I was facilitating programmes. As June approached, I had built in a walking routine as well that went to 6 km everyday. In my 50th year, I was fitter than I have ever been since 25!
The trek was part of the holiday with family and friends. Family would stay back at base camp and I was to go off with a couple of friends for 4 days. We were climbing from 8500 ft to 15500 ft to a snow-bound pass.  Incidentally, this trek was also a ‘build capabilities’ kind of exercise for me to go for more difficult and longer ones later this year. You can see there was a whole lot of planning.
Unusually liquid and frequent movements
Day1 at our first stop in the hills, I have a sumptuous lunch where the ‘chutney’ and paneer taste a little too sour. The plan is to leave early the next day for the long ride to our base camp in Sangla Valley, Himachal. I wake up in the middle of the night to start a process that has me running to the loo repeatedly and checking out various ’facilities’ next day, en-route to Sangla, from real close quarters. By the time we reach, I am well, quite wasted. I miss the Day 2 walk.
The Disappointment
Day 3 is the last day for preparation before we begin our trek, the first day of which involves a steep 4,000 ft. climb. I have already started on medication but the demons inside are still winning. Have no option but to drop out of the last preparatory walk. I attempt short walks and find that the exertion is taking a toll. For the first time since the bug hit me in the gut, I begin thinking whether it would be wise to go for the trek. I am torn, between feeling guilty about letting my fellow trekkers down, a creeping thought that maybe I am feeling nervous and that is what is causing this problem. By the evening my fellow trekkers are back and we sit to discuss next steps. I am still undecided. They ask me to decide while trying to relieve me of my guilt ‘could have happened to any of us’, ‘not your fault’, ‘we are together so we will enjoy in any case’. I figure there is no way I can climb 4000 ft the next morning and we decide to cancel – my friends are not interested in going if I am not.
Once the decision was taken I started brooding.
Going Negative
I was crushed, totally. I felt like a loser and that I was somehow responsible for the bug. Thought I was a coward who chickened out at the last minute at the thought of physical hardship. I knew there would be some friends who would not let me live this down for a long time. I lost a lot of self-esteem in the first few hours after cancellation.  I began to doubt if I would ever be able to trek again. Then I began cursing my luck and just kept sliding further into a downward spiral of depression. Not only was the trek killed, I was killing the rest of the holiday for those around me by being in a total blue funk.
Going Positive
It helped that family and friends were around. The thought that I needed to ‘get my act together’ was one big reason for being able to bounce back. They were in any case trying to reassure me that it was not my fault.
My first action was to try and get alternative plans in place so that everyone could at least have a good holiday. I must mention here that the tour operators Banjara, were absolutely fabulous in rapidly reorganizing the programme for us.
Then I cracked the first ‘potty’ jokes on myself and that seemed to help hugely. Everyone was waiting to see me get ‘positive’ and they laughed much louder than the joke deserved.
It took me two more days to recover fully. And then I was determined to walk as much as time and place allowed. I found that the nine months of preparation had made a huge difference – was able to breeze through climbs and descents that used to earlier be very daunting. That helped me hugely to recover my belief. I began thinking about the next trekking opportunity.
Have been back at home for a while now. Only one friend cracked the jokes I expected and I have added my own to them. Self-doubts have gone and I am looking forward to the next opportunity.
Sometimes bad karma just happens. We have to find our own way of staying positive and not losing faith. Like bad karma, good karma also happens.
Here is to keeping the faith.