Conversations of a CV Crime
Dear reader, this article does not talk about you or anyone you know. This is completely fictitious and characters used here are a figment of my imagination. If you think you or someone you know has been quoted here, I’ll be offended. Because if at all, I’m taking inspiration from someone, it’s me. For your ease of read, this article is written conversation style with each participant’s thoughts in brackets.
This is an imaginery situation of the most cardinal, yet most performed crime of job hunting – the rigging of a CV – in progress. The recruitment consultant (RC) is as responsible for such a crime being committed as is the jobseeker (JS). Much like a Bollywood story, there’s drama, controversy, music, love, sleaze and a twisty happy ending, at least for the JS and RC. Let the games begin.
Act 1 Scene 1 / Day 1 Seed 1 / Resume 1 Version 1
Bee bada boop bada boop bada bee / Tum to thehre pardesi / dil mein mere dard-e-disco (Corny ringtone on JS’s cellphone)
JS: Haan hello
RC (Twinkly, bubbly, cheerful voice OR sexy seductive deep voice): Hi, JS. My name is Shefali (or some other name that sounds like a woman you were in love with in college but never gave you any wind). I’m calling from Lots-of-Cash-and-Then-Some-More Recruitment Consultants with a job offer. Can I speak with you now?
JS (sudden change in voice, sounding like AB in Shahenshah or Hema Malini in any movie): Yes, yes of course you can.
RC: Okay, great. I understand that you are working with Already-Ripped-Off-Once Media?
JS: Yes yes of course I am.
RC: And you’ve been here for how long?
JS (caught on the wrong foot, what could be the right answer): First, what is this job about? (slight giggle escaping the lips at the apparent presence of mind while furiously working a provable work duration)
RC: This job is with Will-Pay-You-Loads-If-You-Say-The-Right-Things Media. The profile is for Group Head-Sitting Around. The job is located in your current city. We believe this is the best opportunity for you. Could you tell us a bit about yourself?
JS (crapping in the pants): Before that, could you send me the job description please? You have my email address?
RC: Sure, I can and yes, I have your email address. Is it sirbluffalot@reallyalot.com?
JS (not wanting to offend, but not giving any answers): You have done your homework, I see.
RC: Yes we have. You come highly recommended.
JS (holy crapalooza, someone recommended me): Who was it?
RC (smugly, winning confidence, changing topic): I have my sources. We also have jobs with If-You-Aren’t-Working-For-Them-You-Should-Die Technologies and Yet-Another-Social-Network, that you might fit into.
JS (by now, almost ejaculating, deep AB voice gone two sentences ago): Oh, oh, great. Send me the profile. I’ll read it and send you my CV ASAP.
Act 2 Scene 1 / Day 2 Seed 2 / Resume 2 Version 1
RC: Hey there JS. Remember me? RC?
JS (Return of Sexy Voice): Hey, Shefali (or whatever).
RC: I got your resume. Very impressive. But a few corrections that I’ve discovered might help your resume make a good impression.
JS (Exit sexy voice, Enter gay mariachi): Really, really? Wow! You guys are so smart.
RC: (Giggles!) First, they need someone responsible. Your resume says you’ve worked 3 years with your present company as senior manager. You need to show more responsibility.
JS (sweating brow, hyperventilation): NOW WHAT DO I DO?
RC: Relax, we’ve faced this lots of times. In this work summary, simply add “3 years as a senior manager with Already-Ripped-Off-Once Media, with increasing responsibilities year on year, working towards Vice President.”
JS: WILL YOU MARRY ME?
RC: (Giggles again, this time clearly fake) Another thing I noticed about your resume. You don’t have an MBA.
JS: I gave the entrance exam a year ago. I flunked it. My sister’s best friend’s brother was getting married, and I was really disturbed.
RC: Okay, then make sure you mention somewhere in the introduction that you’re “pre-MBA”.
JS: God, you’re so smart.
RC: And finally, your expected CTC is almost double more than your current CTC.
JS: Yes yes, I figured that Group Head – Sitting Around should fetch that much. Plus, Will-Pay-You-Loads-If-You-Say-The-Right-Things Media just got funded by MoneyBags Ventures. And that the CEO golfs as a hobby. They should be loaded.
RC: Right, but their finance controller and HR head are a bit … how can we say … conscious of what they pay. Can you settle for 90%? We can’t loose the commission either, so we’ll try our best to negotiate down to a 90% increase.
JS: Oh sure, sure. I’ll compensate by asking for a closer appraisal. (think to himself, I’ll also download more stuff and chat more so that my social life makes me feel better about the lost opportunity).
RC: I’m going to need a few references as well.
JS: Oh cool, you can call Mr. Marriageable-Daughter-Courting-Me. He was the head of admin in my last company. You can also call MyDrinkingBuddy and MySmokingBuddy. Both have worked with me previously.
RC: Great. I’ll set you up for an interview right away.
JS (Thinks to himself, face to face, I don’t have Google and can’t give bad network excuses): Please ask them for a telephonic interview first. I’m going on some business (read native place) for the next week.
RC: Okay, but you will meet them right?
JS: There’s a Provogue sale next week. I can meet them the week after.
RC: Provogue sale?
JS: Did I say that out loud. Sorry. Ignore.
RC: Okay bye.
JS: Bye (my love)
And so, JS builds himself a resume that makes him worth 90% more than he is. And he gets hired. Let’s examine why this may happen.
- Zero Validation
No one is telling Will-Pay-You-Loads-If-You-Say-The-Right-Things Media whether JS is saying the right things. There are several validation methods that hiring companies might not use. Background check services, calling references, blind calling references. But the biggest hurt comes because there is too much trust in too new a relationship with a recruiting consultant. Check with your existing recruitment consultants if they have background check methods or even validation methods before they push you a resume. Know new recruitment consultants before trusting them. Work with them for a while. Measure their performance. Know the team there that is going to be hiring for you. Good consultants will always give their views and fitment points, expect them. Only then, be safe in skipping a step. Even yet, make sure you have an audit process in place for the consultants every quarter or two. - Hiring in a hurry
Bringing people on board is more sensitive than employers will allow themselves to believe. Especially SMEs. Agreed, when you’re starting up or scaling up, people acquisition urgency is imperative. But don’t let that be a reason to hire at random or unchecked, based on paper or first impressions. Plan your resource needs at least two quarters in advance. Hire over a longer period of time. That way there’s enough time for good resources to live out their notice periods before joining you, and get initiated correctly to their jobs. - Maskers or Fakers
There’s not always lies on a resume. There’s cloaking, highlighting, underplaying, enhancing, beautifying and much else. There are special professional services that begin with a promise to make a drab resume likeable and land up making it too good to even belong to the jobseeker. Read the resume “carefully before investing“. - Conventional thinking
Sure, ask for the obvious – resumes, salary slips, references. Then shock jobseekers and ask for visiting cards, Form 16 / tax returns, contracts, appointment letters. It is your right to seek information from those that you hire.
Ingenious resume hacks? Read below:
- A junior member in a team claims to have been responsible for ‘creating the strategy that changed the fortune’
- Claims to have ‘grown sales by 40% ‘ in 4 months (and forgetting to mention that the brand was just 6 months old)
- Pre-MBA, currently pursuing an MBA, Completing an MBA (in the first month of the first sem)
- Adding “Sr.” before the actual designation
- Unimaginable sales commission claims (to hike up the CTC)
For more tricks of the trade, visit www.fakeresume.com. BIG WAKE-UP CALL. And JS and RC, remember that once on the job, the truth will always catch up. Often, before three months after joining.
The guest author, Alap Ghosh, has 8 years of in-the-middle-of-all-the-action experience in enterprise, portal and mobile products and solutions. Having worked with the top technology and media convergent companies of the country, Alap spends most of his time connecting brands and agencies with technology to create better internet properties and new-age inventory. Connect with Alap by email or on LinkedIn or on Facebook
D5 Creation
Ah….finally something that’s interesting and informative at the same time! Great article, Al.
Well said, Alap!
SMEs cannot afford to get stuck with rliars on board – there is no feather-bedding in the organization and the new recruit’s lack of skills (over-stated in resume/interview) costs us dear.
Just recently, I avoided burning my fingers by just calling up the MBA institute to do a refcheck on a guy wh’d done very well in the interviews. Turns out he never went to that BSchool! Just hug out with the guys there and attended a couple of classes. Tis got him access to their AlumniGroup, from where he responded to our Job Posting!!!
A recruitment consultant who is a friend told me that many times they have to play cupid and marry the candidate with the company by manufacturing a suitability. I had once given my resume to see what they do- all one can say is that if one is good at flowry language, a resume writer can make you fall in love with yourself.
On a serious note, only an experience eye can see latent potential as well as expereince after looking at and talking to the person.
Awesome post, Alap! It had me in splits and reading delightedly all the way through.
The points at the end are very valid and thoughtful, do keep ’em coming. 🙂
Its true to the point of infinity.
but the biggest problem is that even the recruiters are not looking in the resume.
they just hire and fire .
i knew a guy in kolkata working with a reputed company. as i was their sales consultant i was directly interacting with them. after working with him for 3 months i gave my feedback to the company that they need to get rid of this guy and get some fresh blood who can atleast go and sit in front of their customers and listen to them about their needs.
to my surprise even before the company issued him a termination letter he came to the general manager and showed his new offer letter from a company atleast 20 times bigger mnc, and a package which was more than double.
i felt in my mind , when the demand is more than the supply , this is what happens.
and you cant avoid the Pareto’s law , 20% of the people are doing 80% of the job
very informative…..good read